Did you hear me?

It's easy to slip into the mode of feeling sorry for myself.  Especially when I feel like I'm not supposed to speak, but just do.

My mom, now 81, will cut me off in the middle of a sentence, sometimes loudly talking over me.  It's like she's trying to squash anything I'm saying, as though I'm not supposed to speak at all, and if I do, what the heck do I know?  How dare I even show I have an opinion or have any knowledge that might be useful!

...especially when it comes to where things are or what happened...

I can't blame her poor memory on age; it's always been there, but it just seems to be more pronounced now.  Actually, all of her behavior seems to be more exaggerated now.  Her poor memory I really blame on her selection about what she wants to remember -- or how.  She's a drama queen, remember, so when she regurgitates something from memory it can sometimes take on a pretty warped recitation.  And a lot of times it can be twisted for the moment's mood and audience.  Frustrating!

But many times it's interrupting me to ask for information that I was just telling her.  If she had listened instead of interrupting, she would have already known.

I sometimes wonder if you revert back to childhood when you get older.  My teenager also does about the same thing.  I sometimes feel I'm living with two teenagers.  It's like they don't have the patience to wait for me to finish a sentence, so butt in with the question that my sentence was already answering.  Or that I don't know what I'm talking about, that they both know more than anyone and the nerve of me for even speaking knowledge or expressing an opinion!

And how come I didn't tell them what time or where we were going?  Uh-huh, another case of hearing but not paying attention or interrupting or talking at the same time.  Or even walking out of the room in the middle of information being imparted.

There are times (yes, even to my mother) that I say, "Did you hear me?"  Most of the time I try to say it as kindly as possible, but come on, if you're an adult, just being asked that no matter how nicely has got to put one on the attack.  But when it's important, I do have to make sure the information was absorbed.  The times I'm not as nice in asking that is when I'm just so tired of repeating myself in little bits and pieces all day long for the both of them.

I love them both dearly, but I'll tell you there are days when I wonder why I bother even being in the same room with either of them.

Oh, I know why...  they want me to be there to do something for them -- like cook or the laundry, or keep them "company" while watching TV.

Club Sandwich, Anyone?

I know there is a name for my generation besides "boomers".  There's a name for those of us taking care of our elderly parents plus raising our grandkids.  So I did some googling.

The "sandwich generation" is the group of people who are taking care of their elderly parents plus raising their kids.

The term "club sandwich" usually refers to people who are taking care of three generations.

"Grandparents raising grandchildren" is -- well, is self-explanatory.

Hmmm....  well, I'm not taking care of three generations, but I am here in California to help my elderly mom with a lot of the day-to-day chores.  Plus, I am raising (adopted him as a toddler) my awesome grandson.  My grown boys -- I am not taking care of them.

So what am I called?  I would still place me in the "sandwich". 

LABELS

Well, who really cares what I am labeled, anyway?  The only value I see for having a label is to give a quick definition to my living activity in one simple phrase.

I find it silly to actually assign a label.  Through my surfing, I also found that there are lots of studies or observations about my living situation.  The number one "revelation" through these studies/observations seems to be the high stress level that a person such as myself has.  I just had to laugh at that!  So can I blame my stress -- and therefore my lack of motivation -- on my living situation and responsibilities to other generations in my family?

According to all the other writers that I briefly skimmed this morning, the answer to that question is a resounding "yes".

What I find really odd is why do all these researchers and writers consider my and others' like situations so unique?  They make it sound like this has never happened before, that it's unique to our current times. 

EXTENDED FAMILIES

Has anyone ever heard of "extended families"?  That's all these new labels are talking about, except these labels are trying to make it sound unique and therefore we can now justify (blame?) some behaviors people have who are "sandwiched".  I tend to feel that families during the 1940s and 1950s were the unique ones because we saw a great decline in extended families living under the same roof.  My impression is that families have historically had their adult children take care of their elderly and also have a hand in raising their grandchildren.

Maybe I'm way off here, but hasn't helping to take care of one's family members always been the norm? I feel that the privelged life style we have created (expecially after the war) has led to many more nuclear families being able to live in separate housing.  We also have created such things as nursing homes and senior living. So today we don't need the family to continue taking a direct hand in caring for its elderly.

UNIQUE FOR TODAY?

Maybe what makes this living situation unique for today is the makeup of the nuclear family.  The family changed during the war.  Many women were now working outside of the home and continue to do so today. In fact, today it's just expected that women go get a job or have a career.  Women working used to be thought of in a more negative light because there was no one in the home taking care of the home and other family members (such as the children) and that the man must not be able to support his family well enough.

There are many other factors that have contributed to the change in the nuclear family, but none of them as great as accepting women being able to work outside of the home.  And this permission has been made doable by new inventions and technology such as the washing machine, fast food restaurants and ready-to-cook foods for meals, and buying ready-made clothing and other items for the house.  Those things may sound silly, but it's true.  A woman's day used to be consumed with cooking alone.  An entire day (not hours, but DAY) used to dedicated to laundry.  Women don't have to make anything any more, either -- they just drive to the store and buy it already made! 

So with no one in the home any more, there is no one to help take care of the elderly, very young, and the infirm members of the family.

We've outsourced!